I'M A TWO TIMER.

I'm ashamed of myself, but I can't help it.

I'm having an affair. I'm cheating...

on my piano teacher with my old one.

I can't help the fact she is shit and I'm going to fail my grade 8.

I will be having secret lessons with my old one. but i can't allow her to write on my music otherwise stupid one will find out.

I wish it didn't have to come to this. I feel so dirty.

A SONG WRITTEN ON THE WAY BACK FROM TESCO

Human banana
best-friends with a pirana
drinks tropicana
on the way back from ghana.

He's being exported
cause he's ready and ripe
He's being exported
don't worry he's the fair trade type.

Human banana
where have you gone-ah?
You were such a charmer
Oh human banana...

I miss you.

I'm sorry grampa

i feel bad. very bad indeed.

i do dislike my grampa, but very occasionally he can be quite sweet.

he often buys me chocolate, which makes me happy. He buys me disgusting Tesco ready meals that taste gross but i still eat them because i know he must have thought long and hard about what i would like.

GRAMPA. IF YOU JUST WEREN'T SUCH A DIRTY OLD MAN YOU WOULD BE SO LOVEABLE!

NUMBER 1.

My first blog. EVER.

I would like to talk about my grampa.

His name is Chris but i just call him gramps.

i dislike him. I shouldn't say that but it's true.

He smells, cant hear a damn thing, throws away my pizza, breaths loudly, watches porn, drinks too much wine, smokes like a chimney and has the TV too loud.

I told him "grampa. stop drinking so much wine. you will turn into a wine bottle."

The only thing worse than the smell of grampa, is wet grampa. He doesn't wash. He just sits in the water, gets out and walks around the house so his smell wafts through the house. HOT. WET. GRAMPA. not naiiiice.

ONLY 3 MORE WEEKS WITH THE GRAMPINATOR AND I'M FREE FOR 3 MORE MONTHSSSSSS!!!!!